A Total Confession to GOD—My Sexual Obsession //
By Brother Tracy Gibson…
** I try so hard
Lord, and yet, I fail every time. I am under the powers of my own sexual drive
and sexual obsession. I am like a child in a candy store – sorry Joseph for the
cliché – I am like a child in the candy store even though I don’t cheat on my
LOVer, my desires remain out of control as I watch hours of pornography, [I
claim it relaxes me and allows me to move forward to do God’s work] even though I destroyed 17 DVD’s of porn to
try so hard to work against my sexual obsession for beautiful Black men,
beautiful Native men and beautiful Latin-Black men. I have failed myself and my Black People.
** Will you, GOD,
will you forgive me? I see the beautiful feet and beautiful stomachs and
beautiful faces and incredible sex organs you made by your hand Lord, and I am
amazed at my own desires. They seem out of control, and yet, in some strange
Way, perfect.
** I Am
especially titillated by younger Black men, and I give total control of myself
over to them. I am helpless, coy, timid and out of control, even though I put
forth an African mask of total cool and total control. I give myself to them,
through GOD. Yet, somehow, I must remain faithful to you, Leonard.
**Sometimes I
think there is a rapist inside me waiting to pounce out like a Black Panther.
Sometimes I think there is a leopard inside me waiting to find PRAY. Sometimes I think there is a ruthless tiger
waiting to find refuge between the legs of yet another BLACK man .
** I have a place
at Home where I put photos of my BLACK family, JESUS, and Ancient Black ancestors – including God’s
picture [JESUS] and they give me strength to make it another day as I PRAY for
redemption, SALVATION, forgiveness, and resolve. I move forward with my
activist work and I want to save this world made wretched, by ungodly forces. I
don’t know if I will ever meet with success.
** I think of my
mentors Nelson Mandela, Pastor Paul Washington, Reverend Jeremiah Wright,
Reverend Jeff Haskins, Reverend Victoria, Reverend Brian Robinson, Cynthia
McKinney, Betty Shabazz, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Junior, Rosa Parks,
Rosita Johnson, Joe Beam, Joseph Bunch, Pam Africa, Ramona Africa,
Wanda, James Wright, Nebraska Bowman, Blondell Reynolds Brown, Jessie Gibson,
Charles Gibson, Bill Hill, Bill Peterson, Estelle Welch, Aunt Helen / Aunt Maud, Aunt Helen Peterson -
Thornton, Grandma Jessie Thornton, Uncle Ken, Uncle Lionel, My Grandfathers, Uncle
Raymond, Uncle Lloyd, my many cousins. I ask forgiveness from you for all the
men I have had while I was in search for LOVe, tenderness, intimacy, kindness,
closeness, kisses, soft touches,
thrusting in LOVe’s last climax.
** Taking off my obsession is like trying to take
off my skin or unload my heart and still live. It is impossible. Leonard,
please forgive my obsession for lust, closeness and intimacy. I want to make a
family with you, but the children I want to raise with you will most likely
never happen now that I’m 60 years ole. GOD says never give up on yourself. His
/ Her hand is the most tender of all and His / Her face is in the faces of
babies, the laughter of ole men, the quiet falling of rain, waves crashing
against the rocks, and in the eye on each dollar bill the government has ever
produced – He / She is totally and forever undefeated. He allows me to walk
with Him / Her each day and I am forever thankful.
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